When God said GO... and the awkward moment i said YES

I'm going to Africa.  Wow.  It still hasn't really sunk in yet... I guess I never imagined everything working out, all our plans coming together, and me finally GOING.  But here I am, a week and a half away from boarding that plane for Tanzania.  There is a seat on that plane with my name on it.  crazy.

A lot of people have asked me why I'm going.  Actually, almost everyone I've  told here in PA/NJ, their first response was 'Why?! Aren't you still at Baylor? or is this for school?'

I've had a lot of time to think of an answer for everyone.  The question is valid, afterall I was a part of an amazing school (I'd say the best university anyone could ever attend, but then again i am alittle partial..), i have friends there who are absolutely wonderful, and I even had a leadership position on campus.  I had a job that I LOVE ready for me for the summer. All of those things are good, and could have kept me in school.  But I'm not going for school credit, and I'm not going for some kind of 'foreign exchange.'

Really, I'm going because I have a relationship with Jesus Christ.  I used to say that lightly, like it was no big deal.  But here's the thing; it's a big deal.  He is my SAVIOR, my healer, my redeemer, my friend, my Father, He is faithful, He came to earth a King but lived as a Servant, He never once made a mistake, but died as a criminal, death can't hold Him down, He rose from the grave, He is Power, He is Love, and HE IS TRUTH.
 I've been taking Him for granted, taking His love for granted as if he was 'just another lover.'  I've doubted His strength, His power, by looking at myself instead of the cross.

I have a relationship with Jesus.  One day when I was praying, early in the semester, He told me to 'Go and make disciples.'  Very clearly, I was sure it was the voice of the Lord.  I didn't know what to do, so I did what my flesh does best - I ignored it.  Let it go, and moved on.  But it was persistant, every time I opened my bible, every time i sat quietly, everytime I waited on the Lord.  I eventually got to the end of myself and my own ways.  I cried in confusion one night, wondering why school wasn't going right, wondering why my heart was feeling so hurt.  I asked God, "What do you want me to do?"  ANd again, I heard "Go, and make disciples."  In my frustration I literally cried "Fine, WHERE am I supposed to do this?"  while inside my heart cried "ME?"  But I saw a picture of me dancing with children and somehow I knew I was in Africa.

So I started looking up missions in the direction God was leading me.  I found confirmation after confirmation when I found the YWAM Morogoro website.  On it were different scriptures God had given me... everything was lining up with what I heard from the Lord.  It really encouraged my faith seeing that I wasn't crazy, Jesus really was speaking to me!
And then the door was closed.  Due to my own past poor choices, due to present struggles, due to my inability to choose Truth instead of my own emotions, the door I thought was from the Lord was shut right in my face.  And there was nothing I could do but cry.  But in that moment, I realized what I wanted most in my life.  It wasn't attention from others, it wasn't special treatment in school, it was Jesus.  I wanted His presence, His power, His love in my life.  I wanted to be able to follow the will of the Lord with nothing holding me back.  SO i started making choices accordingly.

I started making choices that bring change even though I knew Africa was no longer an option.  I reminded myself of the Truths I learned at Mercy, completely ignoring how i 'felt' and what my flesh wanted.. i stood in blind trust that who I am in Christ IS, in fact, WHO I REALLY AM.  No matter how I felt in the moment, I trusted that I AM a child of God, that I am redeemed and forgiven, that I cannot be seperated from the Love of God, I am established, annointed, and sealed by God, I am a citizen of heaven, I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power love and a sound mind, I am God's workmanship, chosen and appointed to bear fruit, I am accepted, secure, and significant in CHRIST ALONE.

While I expected to go back to Bayor, I was still hearing "Go and make disciples of all nations, baptising them in the name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit..." but I figured i misunderstood or heard wrong the first time since what I thought I heard didn't work out, so I yet again ignored it.  Until one day, out of the blue, with Africa waay in the back of my mind, not even thinking it was an option, the door opened again.

And I had to make what felt like the most difficult choice ever.  I was REALLY looking forward to going back to Baylor, to taking classes I liked (including ballet and karate. HA.), to making lasting friendships with people who loved me, and love Jesus even more.  I really wanted to take advantage of what Baylor had to offer.  But different circumstances led me to realize I needed to stay home for a couple months and go to Africa when it was time.  Basically, i realized I could not say no to Jesus.  THe options were so clear to me, God said GO, and no matter how bad my flesh wanted to say NO, i couldn't.  So I made the awkward decsion to say YES. 

I don't regret it.  And I'm not even there yet.
Praise God!